Something Deeply Personal – My Mom's Death and What I Learned

Dr. Nicolas J. Porter, Founder and CEO of Risas Dental and Braces and Host of Dr. Nicolas Show

By Dr. Nicolas Porter

Last week’s column dealt with mentorship, but, more importantly, the death and loss of someone in my life who made a large impact on who I am today. It got me thinking about life and death; the fact that some of us are dead while living; the fact that some of us fear death while others welcome it; the basic fundamental facts about where we go once we die; will we see our loved ones again. Questions that I know each of you have or have had. 

This coming October 19th will be the one year mark that I lost the most important woman in my life. I was in Chicago, Illinois staying at the Talbot Hotel when I got the call from my oldest brother, Troy, who, with strain in his voice told me, “We lost mom today.” 

Words cannot describe the immediate feeling of sadness and loss that came over me. I immediately fell to the ground as if someone had pull out the rug from beneath me and yelled, “STEWART!!!” 

One my best friends, Stewart, was with me on this trip – a trip that I had taken to watch my Denver Broncos play against the Indianapolis Colts in Indiana instead of going with my family to Rocky Point, Mexico with my parents and siblings to “get away from the stresses of life.”

The Talbot Hotel, where I was staying, ironically was the hotel that I had taken my mom and dad to visit a year prior to celebrate my mom’s birthday. When I got the news of my mom passing, it was already too late to catch a flight out so I spent one more night in that hotel. Suffice it to say, it was one of the most difficult nights of my life. 

Flashes of my mom’s birthday trip raced through my mind as I recalled her loving the quaint and ornate design of the hotel. I knew she was present with me that night – comforting me as I sobbed – longing to see and be near her again. I couldn’t believe that I wouldn’t see or be with her again; that my last memory of her was seeing her smile at the Subaru dealership near my house that she and my dad visited prior to making the trek to Mexico. She looked happier in that moment than I had seen her in years. 

It’s amazing how much guilt we, those left behind, place on ourselves when we lose someone. “Why didn’t I do more? How could I have done or said that to them? What if I had done this?” Sound familiar?

What if I had gone with them to Mexico? Would I have stopped my mom from riding that ATV that took her life? What if I hadn’t offered to pay for the condo? Would they have gone? Why didn’t I go visit her more and tell her how much I loved her? What if I wasn’t so busy with Risas, would I have been able to do more?

Guilt. I know deep down how my mom would have answered all of these questions. However, I’ve realized that this is just my process of coping with her death. I understand that it wasn’t my fault; that there wasn’t anything I could do to prevent what happened. Yet, like many of you, I WANTED the guilt! I wanted the guilt because it made me feel part of her life, still! AND I DIDN’T WANT TO LOSE HER COMPLETELY!

I believe that we are closer to our Creator, whoever you choose that to be, when someone comes in and out of this world than any other time. The experiences that we have strengthen our faith in our biggest fear of death – Will I see this person again? 

Such was the case with me – as I struggled with my faith in every way when my mom passed. Will I ever see her again? Is she present with me now? Can she please show me so this pain will subside?

In my family the number 64 is, and has been for many years, a number that is connected to my mom. The house in Wales where she grew up was called, “64.” She was 64 years old when she passed AND, it was 64 degrees on a beautiful late October 
day at her funeral services in Heber, Arizona. 

We knew the funeral day was supposed to have lots of sunshine and we knew the weather was showing 64 degrees. This thrilled us all. As we arrived at the cemetery in different vehicles, Damon group texted, “64 degrees on my car thermometer! Mom is here!” To which each sibling responded, “Mine, too!”

Mine read 46 degrees. Not 63, not 65 or anything close to the actual temperature –that would have been less impossible. My truck thermometer as soon as we entered the cemetery read 46 degrees – 18 degrees cooler than everyone else and backwards 
to our very internally famous number 64. (I have pictures to prove this fact.)

My mom was communicating with me somehow. For the longest time I thought, “Why 46? Am I backwards? Am I not living right? Is she disappointed with me?”

Then, one day it dawned on me. NO! She wasn’t doing anything but answering my biggest question; the thing I feared the most; the question I have asked everyday since the day she was taken! Does she still exist in some form and will I see her again?

“This is the answer to my question,” I exclaimed randomly one day after I had some clarity. She wasn’t trying to make me feel like an outcast! She was trying to comfort me like she always did and she usually did it in her own unique (backwards) sort of way!

I can tell you that this experience helped me heal. Our family holds these memories very close to our hearts and also very private. I battle internally to know if I should even share them with people, but today, as I write, I feel like my mom would want me o. She would want me to share something that could help someone else who is struggling with the same fear, the same questions. 

There is nothing more certain in life than death – it will happen to us all. It will also happen to those we love. I’ve always loved the Garth Brooks song, “If tomorrow Never Comes.” 

If tomorrow Never Comes
Will She Know how much I love her
Did I try in Every Way To Show Her Every day
That she’s my Only One
And If my Time on Earth Were Through
Could She Face This World Without Me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If Tomorrow Never Comes

If tomorrow never comes. What a profound thought. How does it make you feel to ponder on that fact? What if tomorrow didn’t come? Would you feel confident in your actions to date? 

I don’t think life is possible to live without some regret. However, I do think we should always be doing our best. Our best differs person-to-person, day-to-day, hour-to-hour and we should never compare ourselves nor should we judge another for how they spend their time. 

My mom left her native country of Wales at the age of 20 and raised a beautiful family that loves her so very much. She left a legacy that is strong and vibrant. I can’t imagine how difficult it was to raise 8 children, but she did it and made it look easy. 
She served as an amazing example to her 7 boys and 1 daughter. 

She always lived by her favorite saying, “What is life about if it is not about me making life easier for another.” She served, she loved and people loved her. She is missed, but I know I will see her again. Love you momma. 

Until next week, keep your chin up.

This article is a feature from the series, “From the Mouth of Dr. Nicolas.” You can listen to “El Show del Dr. Nicolas” every Wednesday from 8 a.m. – 9 a.m. on 1190AM. Visit the official website at www.DrNicolasShow.com

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